don't equate, juxtapose, collate or differentiate

I don't like that there is one word for happiness. Each moment brings with it potential for a joy that is different than any that has ever enveloped anyone. There is no comparing happiness.

Blessing

The sinews of her face pull into the position I know to be a smile. But not just a smile. Happiness. There is none greater than mine in this moment, as I see lips part to express pure joy. 

I never knew this happiness before this moment, and will never know this happiness again. I will find it new in every moment that succeeds this one. 

Fun. Beauty.

Life is fun. Fun and joy and happiness abound around our so serious lives. Stop. Live. Enjoy. 

Every green leaf in the so very boring bush besides the ugly gas station in which you work is positively the most beautiful thing that has ever been seen. Stop and see joy. The very most ugly brick building, where un-crude oil is dispensed in mass quantities to the unsuspecting public, is composed of tiny avenues for life to flow, even if this life is merely moss and lichen. 

There is no greater joy than the one that is available to you now. Just take it, without a worry, without a second thought.

Shaping Fun

I'm rather excited about tomorrow. Shaping is always something that I've wanted to at least try. Ever since I read about it in a surfer mag, I've always thought that someday I'm going to have to shape my own board. I feel that it's something that every surfer should do sometime in their life. We spend so much of our time, energy, anticipation on the sport of Surfing, but take for granted the art of making the very boards that make possible the joy we receive from the swells. While I certainly don't have very high expectations for my first board, I feel that having created the curves and contours myself will bring me closer and help me appreciate the feel of not only my board, but also any board that I ride in the future. 

Tomorrow, I get to start my first board in Cal Poly's shaping workshop. They have an awesome fully equipped shop. I got a 6'4" blank, and some instruction on the best way to shape my board. It's a two day class I have from nine to six on saturday and twelve to 6 on sunday. I think I'll make a wide fish tail. I think that that'll offer a little more flexibility for error. I'm thinking I'll put a shallow single concave down the center. I'd like to put a quad setup if possible. But maybe a dual fin would have a nice old school style. I'd like to keep it thick in the nose to help with paddling on smaller waves, and tapper it down a little in the tail. Softer edges on the rails would probly work better for this shape. No matter how it turns out, I'm still super excited about it. I'll actually be fulfilling one of my life goals tomorrow. So, basically I'm way stoked about it. 

After that I'm going home, and Amanda will be coming over! It's hard to say what I'm more excited about. She finally got her license, so she will be driving herself over. Unfortunately, my shaping class doesn't get done till six, and she can only stay till nine, so we won't have very much time. I'm going to try and leave my shaping class early if I can. Either way it should be an extremely fun day. 

Sun, hiking, and specters.

I've found that posting blogs is more difficult than i thought it would be. My first one came easy, natural. Like it flowed from the sky into rain through my senses and into my fingers. But now I can't find that place. The mindset that made it so easy. That is what is hard to get. Not the words I need, but the state of mind. I'm not sure I have it now, but I'm going to push through anyway. So, this is my way of saying sorry for not posting sooner.

The last couple days I've had the strangest feeling. It's like I'm not really here, like I'm watching myself from outside myself. It's hard to describe, but I think that that is the best way to put it. I see myself greet my roommate with a smile, and answer his question, "I'm fine, how are you?" I study, but the subjects mean nothing. Just information that helps me move onward to learn more useless info. I need to surf, it's been too long. This ghost self is rather sarcastic. It doesn't say anything, but I can feel the sarcasm. It mocks the lie in my laugh. I'm not so much sad, just out of it. 

I'm sitting in the student union in a chair by the window. It feels right somehow to have the flow of people come in and out, past and through me. I feel see-through when I sit here, and it matches that weird feeling that I've had. It's uniting. 

Last weekend seems like a long time ago. But nonetheless, it was wonderful. Three day weekends are always fun, but they make me wish that they were longer. Saturday the rain finally let up! I had plans to go to Santa Barbara, but since I couldn't be sure of the weather, I canceled those in favor of a hike to point sur. In hindsight, that seems kinda strange. A hike isn't any better in the rain than hanging out in SB, but I didn't make that connection I guess. I'm glad I didn't though, I think we had allot more fun hiking than shopping. I'm not really the shopping type, but I'm not the picky type either. SB would have been fun too I'm sure. Anyway, back to the hike. It was nice that day. A little cold when the wind was blowing, but sunny and still nice. We started out on the path like good citizens, but soon ended up tramping across the open plain. There was this awesome tree that needed climbing, but that ended in a scrape. The tree got the better of me, and left it's mark. After that I ran away from a brief embarrassing moment, and continued on till the attack of the cows. Now, it wasn't quite an attack. In fact, the cows probly didn't really care about us at all. However someone was quite sure that they were mad and intending to attack us. Her proof? They were looking at us and mooing. Now, I'm not sure how many of you know much about cows, I know I don't, but I'm pretty sure that is what cows do. They moo. Anywho, to keep a short story from becoming long, we were discouraged by the thought of being trampled to death and turned back around after our advance was cut off by said mad cows. It turns out that the fear of cows and the battle with the tree had made us quite hungry. So, after we found our way back to my car, I drove to my favorite sushi restaurant, in Nipomo. Now, it seems completely ridiculous to me since it was one of the busiest days of the year for restaurants, but it was closed. But I did not let that defeat us, and promptly drove to my other favorite sushi place in pismo. After a delicious meal, we drove back to Nipomo to watch a movie. On a side note, the movie "Sybil" is very sad, even disturbing, and not romantic at all. And thus concluded a fun day...

Sunday morning I went with my sister to The Manse retirement home in SLO. A friend of mine had asked me if I would teach a lesson that morning. I wasn't too prepared, but I feel it went well despite myself. I taught on Love, and how that with this one action, or lifestyle even, you could fulfill the whole law of God. I went to Calvary Chapel SLO after that and then went home. 

Have you ever told a friend you were on your way to his house to hang out, and then spontaneously changed your plans and drove with another friend down to LA to visit her grandma without telling your other friend that you could come? Well, I wouldn't suggest it, it's not very nice, and I feel very bad about ditching my one friend. 

So, after church I was sitting around my house chatting on aim when I got a message from Amanda saying that I should come with her right now down to LA. And up I went. I threw a few things in my bag and took a 2 min shower and ran off to LA. I had a wonderful time. We mostly just watched movies and played pool, and despite the fact that most people would have been very bored, I was very happy. :) 

And thus ends a very nice weekend. You know, these good memories have brought me back to myself, at least for awhile. Sorry for the long blog, I'm still new at this. Hopefully sometime I can get back into the right mindset and write something more fun. Thanks for reading!

Rain Down

It's raining today. This first day of my new blog. I'm not really sure if it's a good sign or a bad one. That is, if I believed in these superstitions. But I think it would be one or the other. Not neutral. Rain is an interesting phenomenon. At least to my psyche. 

The first thing I think of is the ocean. It will be choppy, dangerous, polluted from all the bacteria of our urban world washing away into its surge. Generally, unsurfable and unfavorable. But then I remember the times that I have braved these conditions, just for the pure, overwhelming desire to surf. And, I recall the excitement that double overhead, stormy, angry swells instill. I remember that perhaps some of my most memorable sessions have been in the mists of rain and storm. The adrenaline is addicting. When I fear for my life and can only hang on to my Savior for hope. These memories surge through me with excitement, desire, and anticipation. It brings a sort of sadistic grin to my face for the self-endangering joy I receive during these sessions. Thus my first thought turns from longing for clean conditions to overwhelming excitement.

My second thought is always more placid, calm. Perhaps my subconscious survival instinct is trying to avoid the dangers of my first thought by steering my mind away from the adventurous passion to mundane joy. I think of the way water soaks into my clothes or my hair. The way that if I move quickly enough the bonds that hold this water to me will sever under the strain. The way that they fly away from the motion of of dancing like prey from a predator. Rain makes me think of dancing. But not of myself floundering in the deluge. That thought makes me laugh, perhaps even embarrassed. No, I imagine someone else dancing in the rain. Someone graceful, beautiful, and happy. This is perhaps the best thought that rain brings to my head. The happiness of this person. Why I think of the dangerous surf first I do not know. But this is the best part of rain. Pure joy through dancing.

My third thought is even more tranquil than the second, but not boring, or unexciting either. Perhaps there is a pattern to my thoughts that is shown here. Probably not, but it is possible. Perhaps my first thought is, more often than not, a thought that excites and enthralls. And as I dwell, I begin to settle down, shy away from adrenaline and steer towards peace. Maybe this is the pattern of my life. More exciting and thrilling at first, and as I grow older I begin to settle down, find Joy in simple things. Many people fear this, I think. However this sounds right to me. This is what I want. Rain makes me think of my house. It's different all the time, because it's not my house now, but one that I'll have in the future. I hear the sound of rain pounding on my roof. Knocking, wanting in, but refused entrance. The water and the moisture and the cold are not welcome in my house, my place of safety and peace for my family. I sit in this place by a large fire, in a comfortable chair, with a good book and warm tea, and again am happy. I think I was wrong to say that one joy is better than the other. All three are good and wholesome. Given by the only one who is Master of all happiness. The one is no better than the other. Just different.

If I believed in omens and signs and such superstitions, I would conclude that it is a good thing for it to be raining during the writing of my first blog. Rain makes me happy, and think of happy things and happy people. Lord God, I thank you for the rain, for it is good.